Gherkin Street

Posted by: Blogmaster

Ok, so Spondolicus used to secretly write with a Gherkin Global mate of ours, Peter Stryzlecki, and he's been bugging us to publish some of Peter's old work. We have finally relented and so here you'll find forty or so articles originally published by Peter on his blog, In the News.

With the debate regarding the use of the death penalty again raging in the public arena, In The News Weekend Edition has this coverage of Derek Uta, renowned authority on the subject:

The topic of the death penalty has always been a thorny one for the public.

I think it’s got something to do with the whole Jesus crucifixion thing.

So, should we allow the death penalty?

Let me begin with whoever it was that parked in my allocated car space for tonight. You should definitely be executed. I have your number plate.

Moving on, there are some in the community that would have you believe that those who are pro the death penalty are just as bad as those who originally committed the crime. Bit different if you ask me – which is worse on the ethical scale, the rusty hammer in the kitchen or the lethal injection after a fantastic last meal?

Worse still, I have heard some go so far as to suggest that those that carry out the death sentence develop some sort of sick sexual pleasure out of it. This is not the case.

Finding a filthy, smelly, bacteria infested foot arousing is sick. But, there is nothing wrong with basking in the smell of a recently fried fiend or for that matter finding it intensely pleasurable. Nothing at all. Power, pure power. Ahh.

Let’s face it, the death penalty serves two very important social functions. First, it allows us to get rid of, what I like to call, the “convicted”. Second, and more importantly, it acts as a powerful deterrent for what I like to call, the “would-be convicted”.

I have spoken to many of those on death-row and I can tell you most of them are not that thrilled about being put to death in front of an audience. "Not good", “Not happy”. That’s what they say when I ask them. Some are even down right melancholy about their impending murder, oops, I mean sentence.

That's what is so good about the death penalty. It’s a deterrent. Although, not powerful enough in my view. We should make the method of carrying out the sentence uglier. More gruesome, I say! Imagine if we brought back those good old medieval methods. I ask you, how would you feel about being drawn and quartered? Or beheaded? We should engage the public too, we could have competitions where people could come up with new and more interesting ways of killing folk. Get a mass-murderer to hold a bear cub while we hold the mother back, that sort of thing. Zoos wouldn't mind, save a fortune on feed costs.

And, we should put their dead heads on spikes and scatter them about the city too. Preserved of course, I’m not talking about spreading disease or anything unsanitary. But just imagine, you're about to kill your wife in the supermarket when you look up to see the head of your old golfing buddy. What would you think? "Maybe I won’t hit her with this frozen chook, look what they did to poor old James. And she had it coming too".

Murderers would probably get more involved in society, attend the executions, that sort of thing. We could even get them to take part in the serving of sentences – put ads in the paper for people who are thinking of committing murder to come and help rather than do the real thing to some poor innocent. I’m sure they would enjoy that. We could even pit two death-row inmates against each other in a battle to the death, the loser dies and the winner gets a pardon or a room with a view or some such thing.

So yes, I am a believer in the death penalty. I just think we need to more creative about how we use it.

Thank you.

Kelly Fitz is well known for two things, outrageous fingernail designs and a total dedication to research into the field of Aliens. Last night, as keynote speaker at the Lesbians are Not Aliens conference, In The News Weekend Edition reports on Kelly’s views as to whether Aliens have ever visited Earth:

Good evening Ladies.

As you probably know, I have spent the better part of my life researching sightings and reports of Aliens. Much like my attitude towards blue vein cheese, I started this research quite skeptical that I would find anything appetizing. However, I have to say that after all these years the evidence that Aliens have visited us throughout the ages is somewhat overwhelming.

I think I need only give one example to highlight this - enemas.

Probably a consequence of abduction and ahem, anal probing, there is a great deal of testimony that the practice of enemas was first introduced to the human race by alien beings. Not the coffee, beer and other unusual liquid types of enemas, that was just mankind at its most bizarre. The first such report of alien enema introduction dates back to the 16th century when the act was administered to a man known only as, Davide, who wrote “once perpetrated, the hideous blue creatures jiggled and flopped about, almost as if they were laughing at my expense.”

There has of course been a great deal of speculation about ancient Egypt, and the pyramids. My research attests that those mighty tombs were indeed a result of higher interstellar intelligence. It was indeed the Egyptians that came up with the idea but they originally designed the pyramids the other way around. They were having a great deal of difficulty getting them to balance on their points them until Aliens intervened.

Stonehenge. That’s another one. Its actually a crude microwave camp oven. Very effective if you get the right conditions. I’ve roasted many a leg of lamb at Stonehenge I can tell you.

The French. They weren’t originally like that. A result of a visit from particularly arrogant and style conscious aliens back in the 18th century. There is a great deal of similar conjecture about the German but I haven been able to prove this yet.

Bridges. Not the Jeff and Beau kinds but those that span rivers and ravines and such like. Before then, mankind was in a terrible pickle whenever it wanted to go somewhere. In fact, the only reason Marco Polo returned with all those spices is that he didn’t have to cross a river. Hopeless they were. Apparently it bugged one particular breed of alien so much that mankind just wasn’t progressing that they couldn’t resist the urge to intervene. And thank goodness for that. Just imagine what the world would be like today without bridges.

Yes, spine-tingling it is to think of all the things that aliens have done for us. Apart from the French, I for one am most grateful.

Prince Charles’ bucks night has nearly ended disaster after a terrible mishap with the evening’s entertainment. In this interview with King Abdullah of Jordan, a close friend of the Prince, In The News discovers that while no-one was hurt, things could have been much worse for the already embarrassed royal family.

“It was going to be such a great night,” says King Abdullah. “All his mates were there. Harry came dressed as President Mugabe, Will with all his homosexual friends, Pink, Robbie Williams – you name it!”

But the evening got off to a bad start.

“Yes, we were going to shave his testicles as a joke,” says King Abdullah. “But after we stripped him, we discovered they already were. Turns out he gets a Brazilian wax every four weeks anyway.”

“Then bloody Sir Cliff Richard puts ecstasy in the daiquiris and the place went nuts! There was nudity everywhere.”

Apparently things got worse when the entertainment, a cheap stripper, arrived.

“Charles was trying to kiss anything that moved, boy or girl, and lets just say he had ‘busy’ hands,” says the King. “So when the stripper arrived, he was all over her – he didn’t mind if she was impersonating the Queen. It was an amazing likeness.”

But according to King Abdullah, “before you know it” Prince Charles had the stripper’s clothes off and was trying to have sex with her.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” claims Prince Charles.

Others agree.

“No, he didn’t, er, consummate,” says King Abdullah. “He stopped when he recognized the birth mark on her left buttock cheek.”

Apparently the “stripper” turned out to be none other than the real Queen, who had just popped in to say good night to the throng.

“It’s a good thing Charles had only recently seen the Queen watering her tulips naked, or who knows what might have happened!”

Florida entrepreneur, Fabio Russo, believes he has a cure for world hunger. In the News has this exclusive with the intrepid businessman.

“Well, you probably all heard about the furore after that man bit the head off a parrot,” says Russo. “Well, that gave me an idea.”

Apparently Russo intends to breed thousands of parrots which will be sent as food to the Third World.

“Parrots are quite tasty you know,” says Russo. “I often nibble on a few while watching television.”

“That bloke may have taken offence to being called a ‘pretty boy’ but if you are starving in some desolate African country then you wont mind what your food calls you before you eat it,” says Russo.

At this moment Russo has not been able to attract any investors but remains confident the venture will take off.

In The News understands that the Devil has lodged an affidavit in the House of Lords against The Almighty claiming breach of contract and seeking punitive damages.

“I'm fuming,” said Satan. “Do you know why all those Englanders don’t believe in the seven deadly sins any more?”

“Its because God has been letting people into Heaven despite them committing every crime under the sun!”

Satan is claiming that he and God had a contract as to which sins God would allow people to commit before being admitted into heaven.

“It’s illegal and He knows it!” says Satan.

Sources close to Satan, namely Condoleezza Rice, have told In The News that Satan is prepared to withdraw his lawsuit under certain conditions.

“Look, I'm a reasonable deity,” says Satan. “I am prepared to compromise.”

“God can have the six sins, I’ll keep the Greed sin but I want two new ones.”

“First, Thou shalt not engage in premarital sex.”

And the second?

“Thou shalt not be a member of the Coalition of the Willing.”

Those countries that had subsequently withdrawn from the Coalition would not be exempt either according to Satan.

“No way,” says Satan. “Its just like the first of my two new Sins, if there has been penetration, the sin has been committed!”

Having had his entire country potentially condemned to burn in Hell for all eternity doesn’t seem to bother US President George Bush though.

“Off the record, Satan and I have a special deal,” says Bush.

Unnamed sources have told In The News that Satan agreed to make George Bush the most powerful man in the world but in return Bush had to sacrifice his soul and two thirds of his brain cells.

At this stage, God and his followers have remained silent on the lawsuit having until Friday to respond.