Gherkin Street

By Milton Montgomery:

As you would know, I am a staunch defender of anti-discrimination. Provided I am being paid to do so.

Thus, I am duty bound to report some of the instances of discrimination that our society continues to allow. Some might even say “condone” or “pardon”. It really does depend on whether or not they heard you properly.

For a start, society tends to classify people as being “disabled” or “not disabled”. Or, as I like to call this latter group, “normal”. The trouble is, this is discriminatory to so many people within the disabled community, many of whom suffer the consequences of being more severely disabled than others.

For example, parking spaces. As you know I have previously pointed out the inequity of a disabled person being granted a parking space closer to the shops that a normal person. Particularly where those shops do not comprise prosthetic limb or wheelchair retailers.

However, have you ever stopped to consider just how unfair disabled parking spaces are on other handicapped people?

I have a client who is blind yet society will not afford him the luxury of a disabled parking space. As a consequence, he is forced to park his car wherever it comes to rest or ceases to function. Yet, another client of mine who is deaf can secure a premier parking position regardless of how loudly you yell him its unfair.

What about another client who has no limbs? She is surely more disabled than either of the former clients, yet she is unable to get a disabled parking sticker for herself. Nor can she drive, unless she is roped to a motorbike with the throttle stuck on full. Ironically, that is how she came to have no limbs in the first place.

Also ironically, as her lawyer I was able to get a disabled parking sticker for myself by masquerading as her carer. Just quietly, you can too if you send me $1000 in a self-addressed envelope.

Now don’t get all uppity about that, its hardly going to matter. It’s not like she would be up in arms about it if I told her. Besides, I can’t remember where I left her. It might have been in the Jacuzzi, come to think of it. I hope she can swim. Oops.

So think about it. Someone who is wheelchair bound but has used their outrageous compensation payout to modify their car can happily park their car in a disabled space but my client who is a mentally challenged, dwarf with narcolepsy cannot. Needless to say, he is quite grumpy. And dopey. And sleepy.

Similarly, if you drive your car with three disabled passengers, say, one with mental disabilities, one who was blind and one with Tourette’s syndrome, you cannot park in a disabled space either. What’s more, the person suffering Tourette’s will be most unhappy about it. Mind you, you will look like any normal vehicle in New Zealand but that is beside the point.

Its just plain unfair how society allows some disabled people superior access compared to others. I believe that if you are able enough to drive a car then you should have to park where everyone else does. If you are not able enough to drive a car then (and only then) should you be granted a disabled parking space.

That disabled parking space need not exist, or if so, it need not impede on others who drive cars by having that space near where they park. It could be a nice parking little space near their house for example. Perhaps in their garage? Perhaps it could exist only in their mind. It might be the only thing that does.

Either way, it’s a much fairer way to take care of the parking needs of those who are able and those who aren’t. We should all stand-up for our rights. Especially those who can.

By Milton Montgomery:

Your honour, we have listened to the Prosecution’s case against my client and I would like now to contest their allegations that he is a terrorist.

Now the Defence concedes that my client is indeed “not white” as the charges against him state. This however is not yet a crime, notwithstanding the Government’s Bill before the Senate.

Moreover we are prepared to accept that my client has a “funny name” and comes from “one of those countries that likes curries and other such un-Australian foods”. Again, we submit that the aforementioned Bill has not yet been approved.

Now as to the Prosecution’s claims that my client’s wife wears a hijab, we reiterate that the cloth is no-more than a hankie and that it is worn so because she has been suffering a terrible head-cold. Since puberty.

The Prosecution has also produced phone records showing a number of phone calls my client to India, to people the Prosecution maintains are “nothing more than evil, sadistic human beings trying to inflict pain on as many Australians as possible”. We do not deny any of this evidence but would like to point out that it is not against the law to speak to a Call Centre.

As to the more serious allegations, I'm sure you will remember the grandstanding display whereby the Prosecution produced a plastic bag containing some liquid and what appeared to be a fingernail which they went on to claim was all that remains of my client after his alleged suicide attack.

The Prosecution maintains that my client was identified by dental records yet they were unable to produce a single tooth. Well, a single tooth belonging to my client.

Moreover the dental records referred to by the Prosecution were from a dentist that only claimed to see seven patients last year, despite owning two houses and seventeen cars. I ask you, can a man who has two houses be trusted? What’s more, all the invoices issued by this dentist were to clients with such dubious names as “New Porsche” and “Yacht Payment”.

Notwithstanding this, you can clearly see sitting beside me a man that fits the definition that fits the Accused, to wit, “a man with a towel on his head”.

Now the Defence has alleged that it is unclear whether this man is the Accused because, as they said, “he could be any one of a thousand taxi drivers in Sydney”.

I ask you, isn’t that the point?

I also ask you, why would any man sit in the place of another accused of being a Terrorist? Even if it does appear that he has a large amount of cash in his top pocket and he keeps shouting out, “Will you hurry up, the meter is still running you know!” He doesn’t look comfortable and relaxed at all does he?

Now I know that even though you are all enjoying the sound of my voice, we really must conclude before the Department of Immigration comes to take my client away. Not to mention those gents from the RSPCA who are keen to remove all the kangaroos from this courtroom.

To conclude Your Honour, I would just like to say this about my client, may he rest in peace. Um, could you just ignore that last bit? Even if he is guilty of blowing himself up and killing thousands of others, may I remind you that he is not being accused of murder but terrorism?

May I also remind you that the man who blew himself up, my client or not, did so inside a bank?

May I also remind you that for several days afterwards, people partied long and hard in the street?

May I also remind you that the share price of the bank attacked went up?

I ask you Your Honour, if this man is indeed the Accused, is he really a terrorist?

The Defence rests.

By Milton Montgomery:

I really want to thank you for the lovely birthday gifts you gave me.

Michael, thanks for the boat. I’m not sure you should have given me such a beautiful present as this dinghy. It sits so wonderfully in the water doesn’t it, even in the huge waves we first tested it? I discovered that it wouldn’t sink even when completely swamped, although I did have to bail water out for 27 hours until the seas abated.

I wouldn’t normally make a comment like this but given its such a gorgeous dinghy, do you think yo could speak to the retailer and ask whether it was meant to come with oars?

Jenny, thank you so much for the fishing rod, reel and tackle. Obviously you rarely go fishing or you would have known that it needed fishing line as well. Oh how we all laughed when we realised after you gave it to me!

David, thank you for the hip flask. I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger one. Why, I’ll bet you could put two gallons of whiskey in it if you wanted to. Funnily enough, you could also put two gallons of fresh water in it also I suspect. Its just a shame that there isn’t any. Well, there is plenty of sea water to put in it but then you cant drink sea water now can you?!

Lastly, I love these handcuffs you gave me John. It might be considered a bit kinky to give another man a pair of handcuffs but we are both heterosexual so I got the point. They are so realistic that without the key its nigh on impossible to get out of them, even if only one arm is locked in them and the other end attached to the dinghy.

It’s a pity you forgot to give me the key as well eh? I’m sure that was just an innocent oversight, even if it did look like you threw it into the ocean from where I was sitting. The eyes can play tricks on a man, especially with the tears I had welled up in mine as you sailed away in my 48 foot yacht and left me in the dinghy. My that was funny wasn’t it? Ah, so much laughter from you all!

That said, it really was lucky that I was such a “fat bastard” as you all said, even though I know it was in jest. Just look at me now, you see, I lost all those excess kilograms bailing water and otherwise languishing in the dinghy for days, dying of thirst. That meant I was able to slip my wrist out of the handcuffs eventually.

I suppose that might be hard for you to all understand my joy at that. After all, you are all so exasperatingly thin.

Anyway, I was found that with two free arms I was able to paddle in a forward direction, rather than in circles. That is how I found my way to that deserted island and eventual rescue, some three years later.

Again, I really loved those gifts, people. You are such thoughtful business partners, even after all that money we made together you still kept your sincerity.

That is why, despite the years, it really was the least that I could do to return the favour by buying those same gifts for you. Mind you, it took quite a while for me (and my hired mercenaries of course) to track you all down so that I could give them to you.

But now, as I stand here back on my 48 foot yacht watching you enjoy those same gifts in these terribly dangerous seas just as I did, I knew all those years of waiting for this moment were worth it.

All the very best my friends. As they say, “you really shouldn’t have!”

By Milton Montgomery:

Dear Tax Man,

I am writing to contest the raft of deductions you disallowed in my recent tax refund. You have failed to recognise that these were legitimate deductions for expenses incurred in pursuit of my business activity.

Firstly, you disallowed the purchase of my state of the art surround sound home entertainment system. Admittedly this is located in my chalet at the snow but it is only ever used to watch shows such as House, Grey’s Anatomy and CSI. Such drama can be very useful when it comes to understanding many of the medical dilemmas I face as a Podiatrist.

Similarly, you have denied the expense of my regular subscription to high-quality imported pornographic DVDs. This is most unfair as I use the videos solely (no pun intended) to study human anatomy. If you look closer the next time you watch one of these movies you will notice that most of the performers have bare feet, hence the legitimacy of the deduction.

I find the rejection for my weekly spa treatments most unfair. Obviously these visits are only used to discuss current developments with like minded professionals, especially those that give pedicures. It would be unfair of me to merely get a pedicure without repaying the medical research I glean by the facial, seaweed body wrap and Vichy shower I have also claimed.

This leads me to your denial of my purchase of golf clubs and membership at the exclusive country club named in my refund statement. I ask you what do golf, tennis and standing at the bar all have in common (other than the company of my fellow medical professionals)? The answer is obviously the use of your feet. Could this be any more definitively the study of human dynamics and motion with specific attention to mankind’s lowest appendages?

Incidentally, I believe I am close to a breakthrough on why it is many people fall down after consuming too much alcohol. Ironically, it may have nothing to do with their feet after all.

Again, the denial of my purchase of a Lamborghini as a legitimate deduction makes no sense. Clearly I am researching the effects of not using one’s feet. Specifically, the link between not using your feet with a Lamborghini and having intercourse with weak minded females despite me being exceedingly ugly.

To that end, my first class around the world airfares demonstrate nothing more than my dedication to my medical field by a detailed study of the possibility of getting Deep Vein Thrombosis in the feet. For your information and no doubt relief, the chances of getting DVT in your feet is extremely unlikely due to the absence of susceptible “deep” veins in that part of the body.

I also highly recommend the Chablis with the Lobster.

Lastly, I dispute the rejection of my claim for a deduction for the liposuction, breast implants and face-lift for my wife. Admittedly she is only eighteen but without the surgeries listed I would not be able to bear being close to her. This because she frequently has extremely smelly feet, the thought of which, as a podiatrist, makes her rather unattractive.

I am sure you will agree that the costs incurred in transforming her pale in comparison to the alternative, namely another divorce. Need I point out that you allowed my previous two divorces as legitimate deductions on the basis that both of the women involved only divorced me because they discovered me in a compromising position other women.

As previously mentioned, said divorces were legitimate tax deductions as my former wives failed to recognise that I was only performing a unique medical treatment on the women concerned. That we were naked and the women were prostitutes was irrelevant. I truly was hoping to curl the toes of said patients with excitement.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours faithfully
Alf Hoot

By Milton Montgomery:

To My Dear Mother,

Hello Mother, this will be my last letter. There is no point beating about the bush, I am dying.

I know you warned me about the dangers of being a missionary in a remote African settlement but nevertheless I believe it was worth it. I was able to bring the joy of Christianity to so many of my fellow townspeople.

You may recall that when I arrived here some three years ago I had nothing but my wife, Bible and just a few essentials (you know how I cant live without salt and pepper eh?). It was very difficult, especially in the early days. You may recall that most of the locals here were cannibals but fortunately that old private school trick of smearing oneself in animal faeces kept me safe until I was accepted.

I wish I could say the same for my wife who refused to let her sense of style be compromised by such vulgarity. She retained her chic right until the end, even as they slow roasted her. Now that was something to behold. I miss her, even though she was very “proper” – a “proper” pain in the neck. The locals liked her though. Immensely.

To digress, the townsfolk have very unique culinary talents when they eat someone. They wrap their victim in banana leaves covered with a sort of herb, reminiscent of cumin, before they par-boil and then slow-roast their “Yum Yum” as they call it. The method preserves the juices producing an aromatic, succulent and highly flavoursome taste.

In any case, through my sermonising and preaching I was able to enlighten many of the heathens such that they stopped their barbaric practise. Unfortunately, the society revolves around cannibalism and only those who partake are able to receive enough nourishment to continue living as the landscape here is very scarce in terms of nutritional offerings.

This meant that many of my followers soon passed away through malnutrition. They were duly eaten by the non-Christians.

Over time it dawned on me that cannibalism was the only way that the peoples of this isolated hellhole had survived. They had endured by maintaining a delicate balance between birth and death (or “Yum Yum” as they call it). My bringing Christianity to them represented a serious threat to that balance. As you know, I was raised never to quit so I stayed.

The only trouble was the inescapable and ever-present feelings of hunger I was experiencing. I would rather, Mother, that you didn’t reveal this terrible fact but the only way I have survived this long was by eating what the locals do. I resolved that in this way I was able to preserve my strength while continuing to convert the barbarians, one by one.

Unfortunately, as soon as I converted one they shortly thereafter perished from malnutrition or by brutal attack of the remaining tribe. We would be forced to eat them.

Mother, the strength to continue is leaving me, such is my emaciated state. Let the Church know that I was able to convert every single one of the locals here to Christianity, one way or another. Of course, they all became the “Bread of Christ” (or “Yum Yum of Christ” as they called it).

Its just a shame there are no more to convert. Still, their memory, among other things, will live on inside me until my death.

In my belongings you will find a jar of the cumin-like herb that I have left for you. I highly recommend it with banana leaves. Why don’t you try it on the postman, he was rather a portly man as I recall.

Eternally yours,
Your Son.

By Milton Montgomery:

Dear Sir,

WITHOUT PREJUDICE

I represent your former employee, Nicholas [name withheld], who you dismissed from his position as Pyrotechnic Assistant last week.

It is our position that my client was unfairly dismissed from your organisation and we seek immediate reinstatement as soon as he is released from the Burn’s Ward at St Vincent’s Hospital.

In your Statement of Dismissal, written on his bandages at the hospital, you claim several reasons behind your decision to dismiss my client. We would like to refute these.

Firstly, you claim that my client was responsible for several wanton acts of cruelty against animals. My client does not deny this however maintains that you instructions to him “to fashion some fireworks that looks like cats exploding” were not clear. My client maintains that his fireworks display looked EXACTLY like cats exploding.

Similarly, you claim that my client endangered the general public in a recent fireworks display. My client maintains that only did you buy him the 17 beers beforehand but that you also encouraged him to do so. My client claims that your exact words were “I’ll bet you cant hit that [expletive deleted] aircraft from here!” My client would also like to point out that indeed he could not. That he was able to hit a Manly Ferry, while unfortunate, was nevertheless a direct result of your instructions.

You also claim that my client is responsible for the damage to the Harbour Bridge also suffered in that recent fireworks display. My client maintains that it was not his fault that the aircraft took evasive measures and lost control.

In your Statement you claim that my client failed in his duties in the purchase of fireworks. My client maintains that not only did he save you a considerable amount on the purchase of the same but that it was widely reported that the deployment of the fireworks was one of the most spectacular ever seen in this country. The fact that the fireworks turned out to be surplus army stock anti-tank missiles is largely irrelevant.

My client would also like to point out that he has saved your company a great deal of money in the form of lower employee expenses, namely those employees who were the victim of his practical jokes, may they rest in peace. My client would like to point out that at the time you laughed so hard that some of the beer you consumed came out your nose.

My client also maintains that he has saved you a great deal by his efficient reduction of your inventories of unused fireworks. My client would like to point out that those inventories were well insured and that it was you who thought it would be a good idea to “light cigars in the shed out the back”.

My client feels that the essence behind your Statement of Dismissal relates to the unfortunate incident with your wife. My client maintains that had she not survived the explosion then you would have indeed promoted him as you promised. The fact that your wife dragged my client into her car and began making passionate making love to him is irrelevant in terms of his dismissal, other than by establishing his whereabouts at the time of the explosion.

We look forward to your reply.