Gherkin Street

By Red Dinger:

Sit down the lot of you and listen up, its time we got a few things straight!

For a start, we are a “football” not a “soccer” team. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. I know it’s confusing but the best way to remember is that most of the people that play our game are too poor to wear any socks, hence we don’t use “sock” as in “soccer”.

That is why our sport is so popular. You don’t even need shoes to play it. Lest of all an education. That’s the way we want it of course, do you think the legions of our fans would watch football if they knew of the alternatives?

Rule number 1. Now this is important. If any opposition player’s foot gets within half a meter – that’s 50cm – of your body please remember to drop to the ground and writhe in agony. I have told you before, it doesn’t matter whether it actually makes contact with you or hurts or not. That is what the fans come to see. Do you want them to go home unhappy by feeling less masculine than us? Not even your female fans want that! Both of them.

For all you attackers, if the opposition get too close inside their penalty box, please make sure you dive as high into the air as possible before you hit the ground in pain.

Seriously, last week some of you suffered some of the most horrendous impacts I've ever seen to your shins and not one of you even so much as grimaced. Please don’t throw away hundreds of years of tradition just because you think it’s unmanly. I've told you all before, if people wanted to see men playing sport then they wouldn’t watch football!

Rule number 2. Please stop scoring so many goals. One or two a match is fine but three? What are you thinking? The fans didn’t come to see goals scored. It ruins their whole day. If you keep scoring so many goals people will forget what the real purpose of our game is – penalty shoot-outs.

Oh that reminds me, when you do score a goal will you please stop walking modestly back to the centre line, limiting your celebration to the occasional shaking of hands. This is football people. Nobody wants to see that.

Why do you think we limit the number of goals? So people can look forward to new and exciting forms of celebrations. Taking off your shirt, funky dances, running or mincing away from your team-mates, fondling each other in a homosexual way– these are all acceptable forms of celebration. Come on people, like I told you before, just do what you do in the Mardi Gras parades.

Rule number 3. For the defenders, please remember your sole function is not to contest the ball. When the opposition decides to bring the ball near you please just stand on the spot and raise your arm as high into the air as possible. Please, do it like we practised. Don’t forget to yell “offside” as well.

Rule number 4. People, you will remember that when you all tried out for this sport only one of you was capable of catching a ball. That is why we put him in a different shirt to yours and gave him gloves so he wouldn’t damage his fingernail polish. He is called the goalie. Please remember that only he is allowed to pick up the ball.

I know that privately many of you have attempting the sensation of using more than just the basic skill set required to kick a ball. Please leave that to those better suited to you – the goalie. Oh, and every other sportsperson on the planet.

Rule number 5. Attitude. I'm sick of your attitude. In that last game, not one ref’s call was disputed by physical intimidation and screaming in their face, not one linesman was glared at and not one player complained after the game about the officials, “lack or respect”, being robbed or anything of that nature.

What the hell is going on? Don’t you understand what football is all about? It’s not about goals and winning. It’s about drama! For goodness sake people, football supporters would have nothing in their lives if it wasn’t for us so the least you could do is fill the void with some passion and controversy.

That’s another thing, some of you are still wearing the same haircuts, make-up and jewellery from the week before. Please remember to spice it up a bit for the fans, fans don’t want to see the same rubbish week in and week out – they get that from the game itself.

Oh, one last thing, some of you have been seen dating women who are not being described by the press as “vacuous”. Please desist.

Now get into the showers! Its time to start practice for next week’s big game.

By Red Dinger:

I am a great believer in the power of the mind.

Not just because the world needs more bent spoons. Although, bent spoons are great fun at a party. Its hilarious watching people try and use them to get their food. We used the power of the mind to bend some other implements until someone put out the eye of the person next to them with a fork.

Sorry about that, Mum. Still, the eye patch looks good. Much better than the fake thing you have to wear from cutting your own nose off.

The power of the mind is so much more than that. People can overcome great illnesses with will power.

Some people can even lose weight. Of course, they tend to lose a great deal less weight than the amount of extra fat being put on by those who watch them on TV.

Nevertheless, some of the greatest moments in history have been directly attributable to the power of the mind. Man walking on the moon for example. What incredible will power from all those people who actually convinced themselves that it happened.

What about Weapons of Mass Destruction? My sources tell me it took 7000 of the greatest US thinkers to come up with that excuse to get some oil. Um, I mean free Iraq.

Mind you, 7000 of the greatest US thinkers is equivalent to the mind power of a well trained New Zealand sheepdog.

Nevertheless, I have been spending many, many hours intensely concentrating by myself. The goal is to achieve enlightenment. Failing that, I'm aiming for a strong feeling of intoxication. Especially since the money ran out and our house is drier than something without any moisture in it.

Nevertheless, it seems to be working as I do feel a bit tipsy and many of the people near me are starting to appear more interesting. The gentlemen in white coats are very friendly too. When I am not using the power of the mind to make myself drunk I am imagining that they are just huge kernels of popcorn.

I haven’t perfected that yet. At least not judging by the scream one kernel made when I bit it.

The major problem I am facing is that others are using their willpower against me, to stop me from achieving my goals as it were. Every time I get into a deep trance I look over and see my wife burning holes into me with the power of her mind, a.k.a. a “derisory stare”.

She can use her mind to say things like “Mow the goddamn lawn!” or “At least put on some underwear, will you?” without even moving her lips.

I however am strong and will never this stop me. Never I say!

Ahem. Well, must go. I feel the power of my mind telling me to get dressed and mow the lawn.

Incredible thing the power of the mind. Amazing.

By Red Dinger:

Sit down, relax, Mr and Mrs Hawkinson. I know its intimidating having a priest such as myself coming around for a visit to determine whether your son is worthy of being baptised in my church. Just try to be yourselves.

Actually, I didn’t mean for you to remove your pants Mr Hawkinson. We only require that when we interview potential altar boys.

Now I am sure you are aware that our beloved Pope has declared that all other religions are “defective”. As a consequence, my superiors have been quite prescriptive in terms of what we will and wont allow in terms of admittance to our church.

Let me first say that it’s a good thing that your son isn’t black or he would have had no chance.

At the moment we are still baptising girls but I suspect that window of opportunity will close soon so if you are thinking of having another one you might want to hop to it, eh?

Of course, being celibate myself, I have no real idea of whether “hopping” is involved. I read somewhere than one of you hops on top of the other, which strikes me as a little odd, but then God works in mysterious ways they say.

Now I am pleased to say that your son meets the appropriate Aryan skull size and shape criteria so that’s a plus for you. I like the way you’ve tattooed “not to be touched until after marriage” on the boy’s private parts. Its also good that he is allergic to latex.

I am a bit worried about the size of your boy’s “special parts” though, that could lead him astray later in life. If we agree to baptise him you will need to ensure rigorous beatings throughout his childhood to keep his confidence low.

Now that leads me to the boy’s guilt complex. Thankfully I can see that by the number of times you have both been to confession and by the way you are wringing your hands that you have sufficient guilty consciences to pass on to your child.

That reminds me Mrs Hawkinson, you still owe me two Hail Mary’s for having impure thoughts about the mailman. Mr Hawkinson, you owe twenty Hail Mary’s for the same crime.

One last thing before I agree to baptise your son. Do you mind if we discuss the size of your offerings? Under the latest Papal plans, we have several excellent contracts available, some of which have monthly instalment options. We have also added credit card and BPay facilities.

As one of the richest institutions on this earth, not to mention some of the sexual abuse claims we’ve had to settle, we will be looking for a significantly higher offering from you both. You might want to do away with sponsoring those children in Africa to free up some extra cash.

Oh incidentally, I notice you have some New Age, non-denominational wall-hangings offering adages about love, peace and harmony. Would you mind taking them down please, I find them offensive given they have not been approved by the Papacy.

Well, that will be all for now. If you could just sign here.

Yes, I know its your cheque book that you are signing. Weren’t you paying attention earlier when I mentioned our faith being so wealthy? Plus, only we get to go to Heaven!

By Red Dinger:

Nothing annoys me more than coffee shops that force their customers to put their own lids and/or chocolate sprinkles on their take-away coffees.

Is it too much to ask for a modicum of service for a product that I have just paid a 500% mark-up?

More worrying however are the sanitary implications.

You may well be aware of that infamous study that found that complimentary beer nuts in pubs contained traces of over eleven different types of urine. I'm pretty sure that the nuts were not manufactured that way. Urban myth or not, many hands on coffee lids cannot be a good thing.

Don’t forget, that is the part that you put your mouth on. You don’t go around licking other people’s fingers so why do you have to enjoy their germs on your coffee lid?

The problem is exacerbated by the fact that those lids are incredibly hard to separate, especially on a cold winter’s morning. So, you invariably pick up a handful of them and fumble about until you can finally get one free. Of course, with people waiting behind you, with any minor delay you soon feel their ire on the back of your neck. I (like you I am sure) have often put two or more lids on just to get away from the counter.

All the while the “barista” looks on aloofly.

That is, of course, if the lid fits. I am pretty sure that the baristas get some sort of perverse pleasure by overfilling each cup knowing the difficulty customers face in attaching lids to them. Most people get it right but it isn’t long before some poor blighter (often me) spills his latte all over the tiny, chocolate sprinkle covered lid-attachment bench and has to ask the now sneering barista for a cloth.

Some of these coffee shops even take your name and then call it out when your coffee is ready – just so that everyone knows the name of the idiot who is holding up the line of caffeine addicts by poor lid separation and/or attachment skills. Their turn will come.

So the next time you reach for a communal coffee lid, pray that the person in line ahead of you has not just wiped their nose, scratched their backside or has even the slightest trace of urine on their hands. Pray their fingers are nimble enough. Then pray for yourself.

Either that or ask your barista’s name before spilling your coffee everywhere. You can then say sorry to them more personally before leaving for a coffee shop where the lid comes pre-attached (preferably by someone with clean hands)!

By Red Dinger:

Well ok everyone, dog training class is about to begin. Shall we get started?

Now, first things first, has everyone got their dogs with them? I see that you don’t Mr Woo. The way that you are ogling the other animals in this class leads me to believe that you have given into your traditional Korean upbringing and eaten your dog. That and the fact that you have its tail sticking out of your mouth. This is the third time I’ve had to speak to you about this Mr Woo. Please don’t come back again, “But it’s a delicacy” or not.

Mrs Patterson, I see you are having a hard time controlling your Great Dane. Might I point out that you really do need to be firm with him, not the other way around, as we can all plainly see. Id also like to point out that most dogs only hump their owners legs. This is what comes of letting him sleep in your bed. That and wearing a short skirt without underwear.

Now Id just like to recap some of our commands. Mr Dobbs, before we get started in your case I recommend that you use a command other than “sit”. After all, your speech impediment is rather well pronounced, unlike your words. For example you “s” sounds like “sh”. Unfortunately, given your dog is very intelligent that makes for a very poor combination. He is only doing what you told him. Would you mind cleaning that up?

Yes, yes, very funny Mr Axel. I think we’ve all heard your “My dog likes children” quite enough times. Please have him let the child go. To hospital.

Please quieten down your dog, Ms Bligh. I am sure I speak for the rest of the class when I say that we are quite sick of your dog’s incessant barking. As you can see, he only barks when you kick him like that. Please desist.

On a brighter note, I see that you have cured your dog’s barking problem, Mr Marsden. I told you that a collar that gives him an electric shock whenever he barks would do the trick. Of course, you may have turned the electric charge up just a bit too high. Especially given your dog is now dead. You are going to find walking him on a lead rather tiresome this way.

Now Mr Simpkins for the past three weeks I have instructed you very clearly that you cannot bring your dog in such a condition to class. I’m talking about the smell, Mr Simpkins. I have warned you that many dogs find rolling in something that stinks very appealing and little Buster there is obviously one of them.

This week, I have taken the liberty of surreptitiously checking your dog before class and again discovered the same putrid smell as the previous week. I am very sorry Mr Simpkins but in future you will have to leave Buster at home. Might I suggest you wash your son occasionally. I apologise for previously blaming the smell on your dog, Rex.

Would those of you who brought a cat instead of a dog to class please take it home. I’m looking in your direction Mr Slater. I don’t care if your next-door neighbour's cat is always “crapping on your lawn” that is not an excuse to bring it to a dog training class. That, and the fact you have covered it in pig’s blood suggest to me that perhaps you might enjoy the off-lead session a bit too much for my, or the RSPCA’s, liking.

Just one last thing before we get started everyone, you attach the collar to your dog’s neck. I don’t care if you bought a collar considerably too small or that you are going through a very bitter divorce Mrs Smith, there is no excuse for where you have attached the collar to your dog, Jack. I’m not denying that you have a very obedient dog but you wont find that training technique in any reputable training manual.

Lastly, Mr and Mrs Peters, you are in the wrong place. The S&M class is next door. Nice choke chain though.

By Red Dinger:

Would you please come in and sit down Mrs Hopkins. Thank you.

Now I know it hasn’t been easy being the Executive Assistant to such a senior professional such as myself but I confess that I have noticed a few, shall we say, unfortunate deteriorations I your performance of late that I would like to discuss.

For example, Mrs Hopkins, you may well recall the memo to my staff that I recently dictated to you. My recollection is that I spent over an hour composing a very well reasoned treatise hoping to curb some of the morale issues we have been experiencing in the junior staff.

I have however discovered that you simply sent a memo stating “Will you lot stop whinging or you will all get fired!” Now the fact that I signed the memo without realising is simply you taking advantage of my very busy schedule. Had I known this I would have been able to give a much better account of myself before the Industrial Relations Commission after the entire workforce went on, what I though was an unexplained, strike.

That’s another thing, I have noticed changes to the various meetings I have in my electronic calendar. As you know, my calendar has restricted access to only those that need to see it, namely me and you. Thus, it is with some concern that I am able to see my entire month’s planning printed in full colour in today’s newspaper.

Now I am not saying that you leaked my calendar but I do wonder how everyone in our employ suddenly gained access to it. Perhaps more concerning is that you have labelled many of my meetings and engagements with such titles as “Visit to Bordello”, “Lunch with Cocaine Dealer” or “Doctor: Re Penis Enlargement Operation”. I’m not denying the accuracy of those appointments but previously I had asked you to use slightly more discrete titles.

Your record keeping has also not been up to scratch. I notice that you have submitted a very detailed report of my company expenditures to the Board of Directors who found it to be “very disturbing” and “most unusual”. It is possible you misunderstood when I asked you to “make sure the numbers look good”. For future reference, by “good” I did not mean to imply “accurate”.

Lastly, you know that I recently spoke to my wife on the phone. After all, you put her through to me when I expressly asked not to be disturbed. I wouldn’t have minded so much except that you probably should have been aware that I was engaged in a very animated, shall we say, “discussion” with Juliet from Payroll. Plus, you put her on speaker-phone.

Thus, in full earshot of Juliet, my wife promptly accused me of having an affair with Alison from Accounts in addition to the indiscretion she had just heard. You allowing that phone call made it rather difficult to defend myself against my wife’s accusations and Juliet’s excellent throwing arm.

Perhaps more concerning is the videos of both affairs that had been uploaded onto YouTube. Mrs Hopkins, I was rather definitive when I said the camera in this office was only to be used for video-conferencing.

I cant help but think that these recent lapses in your otherwise excellent performance has something to do with my denial of your recent request for a pay rise. A simple solution would be for me to “let you go” as they say.

However, given the proficiency with which you have almost destroyed my career I am reasonably confident that you will be able to restore it to an even greater level with a salary sufficiently relative to your expertise.

Shall we say an increase of $100,000 if you can set things right and get me the Chairman’s job? Wonderful! Take the rest of the day off and we can get started tomorrow. I look forward to working even more closely with you.